I’ve been struggling lately with people thinking that I have just followed my husband out of the Mormon Church. I have a mind of my own. I have had my own spiritual experiences too. I’m not an idiot or shallow. When Barry told me he was struggling, I didn’t worry about it because I always have. When he showed me what he was learning in his research, it enlightened me. It took Barry 6 years to disaffect. It only took me a year. It was easy for me to leave the church.
When I read the real studies and statistics about the history of the church and Joseph Smith, it made me mad, but it didn’t surprise me either. I’ve always been an intuitive person and I believe that I have always known there was something off about the Mormon faith. It is true that there is some beauty behind the gospel, but before that comes an awful lot of ugly, dishonest actions. So many things have already been proven wrong with the history and with Joseph Smith. It’s undeniable to me. Do I want to sit and de-convert people with debates and arguments? NO!
I still believe in God. I believe you can have a relationship with him through any religion or none at all. I am in a mixed faith marriage, Barry being atheist and myself believing in God. I still believe in the spirit giving guidance, in an afterlife, and accountability for our choices we make here on earth. Faith or belief systems are subjective to what works best for you. I have always had a problem with organized religions on a whole, now I know the Mormon Church is not an exception.
I’m tired of being thought of as some passive wife who doesn’t think for herself. That’s not true!!! Give me a little credit, people! For those who know me, you know that I am a very honest person who likes things to be out in the open. I’ve never been a good liar. I would even tell on myself to my parents when I was younger! It hurts to be thought so little of by some of these people that know me this well. I’m angry. I’m really angry. I get overwhelmed with emotions when I think about this and all the problems in the world. It’s why I don’t like to debate. I’m lucky to have a great debater of a husband. He also has a much bigger personality than I do, which sometimes overshadows me and I’m fine with that! We work really well together! I will tell you this now; We stand together, side by side, in our views against the Mormon Church.
It’s exhausting always having to defend ourselves to the people we love. Its frustrating to think that people look at my struggles with my bipolar disorder or my ulcerative colitis and see it as some sort of proof that I’ve made a wrong decision in leaving the church, not realizing that I had these problems way before I left the church! It makes me sick to remember thinking that the lord had cursed me with these ailments for my lack of faith while I was Mormon. There are no answers as to why certain people get sick and others don’t. It has nothing to do with faith in any religion! Of course I wonder “Why me” sometimes, but I know there will be an answer eventually. For now I learn what I can from all the shit life has dealt me. It’s made me the person I am today. I am loving, kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and willing to share my life with others. That’s me. So please, any of you out there that think something’s wrong with me, let it go. I’ve become the person I’ve chosen to become, and I’m a work in progress always. My choices are mine and mine alone.